~~~crossroads~~~

Can you stay waiting for that someone who were never there all along???
Can you just simply be with that someone knowing you have been preserving your life with someone else???
Hay... crossroads... missing dad and mama...

~~~sharing~~~

Just wanna share this with you... and I hope you'll be blessed...

"When Nes and Elle asked me to share tonight I initially said no. Not because I don’t want to but I feel so unworthy. And with that, I hope that beyond my sinfulness and imperfections, you’ll see how the grace and love of Christ moves mountain in me.

I am so arrogant and despised SFC. I had my bad notions of the community. For me and some of my friends and that include my X-BF, we called it SINGLES FOR COUPLE. And since I am not in a way looking for someone then… I know it will never be my kind of thing. I was in a relationship for almost 5 years, we’re kinda engaged. So mayabang ako… Lent of 2004, I attended one of Bo’s powerful Lenten retreats and there I know it started. I had a wonderful confession with Fr. John; he was somehow clairvoyant and the moment I stepped into the confession room he told me I was dying spiritually. Yeah I know I am… so after that, I tried to walk in HIS light. I was slowly growing in love with Christ, but I need to give it up because it was too mushy for him. After 5 years… it ended… leaving me wounded… but guess what? God wants to write my love story…

And truly He is a God of impossibilities and I know He has all the power to change things… and he wants me back… Can things get worst than losing a relationship you have cared for the past years… losing people you thought your friends with… losing a promotion and blagag… I was out of the lime light. That was strike one…

Then I attended the CLP simply because I am loving the talk, I don’t want to commit, more so join SFC Makati… I don’t seem to fit in… Mayaman kasi mga tao… dami pang conio… and God change my view on it and my whole life. He slowly filled the void in me. He slowly made me the woman He wanted me to be. And I slowly commit myself to service. So after I graduated I told myself that I will serve him all the more. It started with me in our household and I would like to honor them for their willingness to serve is so overwhelming that you can’t say no and the feeling is so comforting. More so, my household heads truly brings out the best in each one of us. Above all, the people serving in the community are so inspiring and wow… everything is just so perfect and God did pamper me… wow… I felt like I am soaring… exaggerating as it may seems but I feel so in love with everything I am doing. I don’t want to stop.

And God is such a good God… He stripped me off… the struggles never ended the day I said yes… but it come in numbers and worst I lose my job… I was so shattered so I decided to pack my things and left for Negros. I was loving my life there but something is missing. I realized my life is no longer there and I can no longer walk in my own footprints again… I need to go back here… and start all over again… it was all about FAITH AND SURRENDERING… deciding for the things that I want and having Christ on the side... I was missing my household... and whatever happened... it did not stop me from serving... and each trying times I felt God’s peace within me. All the more I wanted to serve. And God gave me all the opportunity… the tasks so overwhelming and truly it is in serving you’ll realized your purpose. He gave me the best people around to help me in my Christian walk, Nes, Elle, Jason, Pats, Taffy, Chacha, Ray… Just to name a few.

I was back in time for the MMLC and WOW… it was so powerful. God is amazingly good, in spite of the oppressions… He gave me the humility to accept things as they are. I had my disappointments during the event… and knowing me… I am good in complaining… but it taught me to see and to appreciate what is there and what the conference had to offer. I was crying listening to the talks and how affirming and healing it was. For so long, I thought I am done and over with my past, and that I finally forgiven the people who have hurt me but I was wrong. I felt all the bitterness… pains… I felt so wounded and I know why God let me realized that during Pat’s talk. It was because he wanted me to be truly healed with HIS Grace and he wanted me to have HIS true peace and not the peace I attempt to create. Truly, I did not just forgive them, but I longed for their forgiveness. And I am still a work in progress…

The conference is one of God’s many ways in letting me realized what it means to serve, and because God has blessed me with so many wonderful things that I truly needed: wonderful household, who never gets tired of serving and saying yes to GOD; a dynamic chapter who literally change my view about the community through their selfless desire to honor GOD; a not so-Christian family who inspires me to do more for God and hoping one day they will see how God literally humbled me and most of all a new-job I can earn my living with and continue to help in HIS mission, I am committing myself to serve HIM in my best and wonderful days.

Friends, believe me, you’ll find your purpose in serving and I am not offering a bed roses, I am not even saying it will make you a perfect, for I still do worry a lot of times, whined about things, sin most of the time but at the end of the day I know I will never feel unworthy of His love because it is so comforting and it keeps on embracing me no matter how many times I fall and I’ll find Joy to seek HIS righteousness… Am I well enough to face the world again? Well, yeah!!! Because after I lose everything, I gained one true friend who will never leave me, no matter what… well, HE MADE ME GROUNDED… on my toes up and well… and whatever it is… I will answer His call… I will serve Him all the more. And I hope and pray God will continue to nourish me and will always cling to His love at times I thought I am nothing. I hope you’ll pray for me as well. “Where is true joy? It’s found in God’s brand of love – love founded on faithfulness, love rooted in commitment.” God’s abundance is unlimited… it cannot be measured…"

~~~holding on~~~

What could be more hopeful than this: “I will never give it up because it’s you who gave it to me… and I will never give up on you…” hopeful right? But I am not waiting because He is at the end of this… I am waiting because I have a covenant to protect.

A nice ‘lil thought from Paolo Coehlo: "In real life, love has to be possible even if it's not returned right away. Love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire.”

Ra...Ra...Ra...

~~~discerning~~~

It’s been a week now and we are not talking still… Mind you it sucks… I am really sad… this is so unusual… I want to go now… but my heart is telling me to stay… to hold on to one truth that we have… and that this is the will of God… I am a bit excited on God’s plan for us… Maybe he just wanted this time to think and to ponder upon… should I wait? Hay… until the day I am ready to go… as long as we are prayer partners… I am waiting and hoping but not expecting…

the hardest thing...

what could ever be hurtful than letting go of someone... and what do i have to let go... i know, time will come i am going to laugh about this... but certainly, this is indeed the most painful feeling I have experience. I know I'll get by... I am good at it... I know one day... sometime soon... all things will be in placed... I am anticipating... excited... I am at peace but i am sad and hurting... why? how? maybe in time... been weeks of me crying... and i still want to cry for more... hoping ill find the answer... loser? yeah... but not quitter. What will happen now? Well, life goes on...